how to accompany those who suffer

Yeah, I know.  Not a lightweight blog post.
But, this is something I have been in the position of doing several times in the past year.  And I don't know if I am doing a good job of it.  But I'm taking notes here from my experience so I can work through this in my mind.  Consider this a working draft for a novice like me.

1) Call a lot.  My friends who are suffering sometimes reach out to me to share what is going on.  But sometimes they cocoon up in the pain they are feeling.  It's normal for us to go into our cave and protect our wounds.  But after a time, the cave becomes part of the suffering.  The dark and damp atmosphere don't actually help the wounds heal.  So sometimes I am the person calling at the entrance of the cave, waving a torch, banging on a rock to remind them they aren't alone.  I dont go into the cave if they dont ask me.  If they dont answer my call, I just wait a while and call again.  When they are ready, they will let me in or come out themselves.

2) Give a long hug.  Many of my friendships are the "hello hug" variety.  We hug when we see each other, we hug for good news, we hug because we are huggers.  But when a friend is hurting, sometimes I hug a little longer.  It is a way of saying, "I've got you"  and for me, sometimes the long hug just lets loose a dam of tears that need to flow.  Even with our kids running around, I have time for a long hug.

3) Say the truest thing.  By saying the truest thing, I dont mean being brutally honest.  If someone is facing a fatal illness, saying "You have a good chance of dying and not seeing your family again on this earth."  That is honest, but it isnt kind or necessary.  That kind of thing is what doctors are for.  Friends are there to say the Truth, and only when it is the right time.  The truth is, "Whatever happens, your kids have a lot of people that love them and are going to take good care of them."

4) Don't be an expert.  Ask questions, don't give answers.  Oh wow, how I am preaching to myself here.  Whatever your friend is going through, they likely have googled it and talked about it with people that, you know, actually went to school to learn about what they are facing.  Not just you with your, "My aunt had something like that one time in the 80's . . . ."  Just listen, and ask questions and dont react with faces of shock and pity.  Be there, just BE there. 

a letter to me in the past- to the new homeschooling mom

Dear younger me,

Today I was sorting books.  Homeschooling books.  Lots of them. Right now, you are in a house with few books, and lots of questions.  You are going to order a years worth of curriculum that comes in a big box.  And thats fine, thats a great place to start.  You are hoping you can do this every year and be all set for all the years of homeschooling.

But on the first day, you will read the 3 pages your curriculum plan tells you to read and then your eager beaver child will ask you to read more.  What do you do?   There is a plan, a plan that will carry you for 12 years of schooling, but you have to stick to the plan.  So for one day you will read just the amount the directions say, no more.  And that day will be frustrating to you and your child.

Day 2, you just go with it.  You read until he seems done, or until you are tired.  And then you read another book.  And that is the rest of your homeschooling career right there.  You will do what they need and what you need.  And the teacher's guides collect dust on the shelves.

In a few years you will start homeschooling your second child, a super special kid.  So special that there is no curriculum that is perfect for him.  Every single one has an element of struggle and frustration.  After many years and many curriculae that have held so much promise and yet fallen short, you learn he has dyslexia.  The written word is not his friend.  The very thing that compromises 80% of school is like chin-ups for his brain.

So you learn to look and to listen, REALLY listen to your child.  You take each subject and think- What is the goal for this subject?  And you make your own path to that goal.

Yeah, I know.  It's way harder than a box of books and a plan that takes you all the way through high school.

But that's what this kid needs, so thats what you do.  And its not pretty.  Lots of days you don't know if you are doing the right thing.  There are still tears and frustration, but at the end of the day, end of the month, you are seeing real learning.  Not nicely filled in workbooks, but real learning.

Just remember this.  Listen to your child. Each one.  Each way that they learn.  And then listen to yourself.  Be realistic with your time and expectations.  Give yourself grace each day.

As you bushwhack your way through this homeschool jungle, you will find a way to real learning for each of you.

Notes from a night given to a sick child

Don't read this if you're eating.

Our family is not a puking family.  I got food poisoning a few years ago and calculated it had been 15 years since I had vomited.  I just don't do it.

But not even the iron guts of our clan are immune to this particular stomach bug going around.  It comes in fast, usually preceded with "My tummy hurts!"  about 30 seconds before the puking starts.
But it blitzes through in 24 hours and then people are right as rain.

Last night, the toddler fell victim and her vomiting sessions came about every 30- 60 minutes all through the night.

The first time, she was very chipper and said, "I spit out my spaghetti."  and then said maybe tonight she should eat some more spaghetti.  Ew.

At one point, I had fallen asleep and had a dream that I was cleaning up her vomit only to be awoken by the sound of her vomiting.  That was some kind of twisted sci fi movie trick.

I finally got a straight 2 hours this morning when the older boys took her and played with her.  My dream was that the queen of the Netherlands had a mysterious disease that was slowly killing her.  Was it poison?  I was in the secret service or something trying to protect her and keep the public from knowing.  Definitely a combination of stomach flu nursing and watching lots of  West Wing episodes.

lovely and rare

 "Freedom is a community laboring for something lovely and rare." -  Colson Whitehead, The Underground Railroad

Last night I got to witness a little bit of the messy, uncomfortable and sacred process of reconciliation. 

My husband organized a forum where college students got to ask questions, voice their fears and assert their rights regarding racism in America.  

It was painful at times and beautiful.  We have so much to learn about loving others.  But how wonderful to make a few baby steps together. 

Making room for the manger

Today in my son's writing class, we learned to pare down the information in our papers to what is interesting to us.  Even more than what is important, include what is interesting. 

Thats a good rule for this blog. 

I am going to write about what is interesting.  Sometimes that will be what is important.  And sometimes it will just be me getting out on (digital) paper what is going on in my head, and it may not interest anyone else.  So here we go.

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We put away the Christmas stuff this weekend.  I have pared down my decor to just the things I really love.  Its pretty simple:  a tree, stockings, wooden ornaments on a garland, Jesse tree ornaments on a garland, a basket of Christmas books, and a couple nativity scenes.  The towels and dishes are gone and the ugly mugs too.  Just the things I enjoy seeing around the house. 

But it was time for even those things to go away.

I have one nativity scene that is breakable.  It is the one that would go on a mantle if we had a fireplace.  Every year I put it in various places that are out of little hands' reach.  This year I tried putting it on the buffet, which also is my desk.  Not a good idea.  My intent was to keep the mail and little desk items off of there for the Christmas season, but bit by bit things accumulated and when I went to wrap up the nativity scene, almost all the figures had been shoved to the back.

Oh what an image of my heart!  The Mary part gets shoved aside as the Martha part crowds in.  I find it nearly impossible as a mom to not have the many little worries of life come in and keep me from choosing the "better thing". 

This is why every week we sing again and again, "Now lay aside all earthly cares."  Because from Sunday to Sunday, I have picked up some more (and probably picked up the old ones again) and I need to lay them aside anew. 

When the burdens and cares are laid aside, then there is room for the manger in me. 

Lessons from the Garden: My favorite child / triage

Just to clear things up- I dont have a favorite child.  I love all my kids all the time.  :)

But when it comes to the garden, the tomato is the favored one.  When you have record rains and despite all your efforts, the weeds are taking over, you have to concentrate your energy.  There is only so much time to give to weeding and tending.  Some things don't get attention.  Sorry green beans. 

The tomatoes win me every year.  It could be because the tomato and mayonnaise sandwich is the best thing to eat ever.   It could be because they are so versatile, going in just about any dish I make this time of year.  I can freeze them, I can can them.  I will be tasting their goodness on the darkest days of winter. 

I don't know why I choose tomatoes over the other vegetables, but I do and I am rewarded now with a bumper crop of these jewels.  The green beans are gone, covered by weeds.  The carrots are hanging on, but there has been a lot of rain for those guys to take.  And the beets are there, but I haven't really dug them up to check on them.

Sad to say, I have had to learn how to do triage on relationships at times.  I have had some relationships that I worked really hard on, even when there was every sign that that relationship was pretty one sided and unhealthy.  I have willed a relationship to be more than it was, but the weeds and floods took it away. 

I now have a pretty good radar for when a relationship is going to suck the life out of me.  I don't mean that I wouldn't stick by a friend's side through a hard time; that is the very essence of friendship.  I mean that sometimes a friendship is not live-giving to both people.  One person is getting encouraged, built up and supported and the other person is ignored. 

I don't know that I am explaining it well because it is one of those things that when you are in the situation, you know it.  And before, I would try try try to get another person to join in the kind of relationship I wanted.  Now I know I can only give what I can give and receive what God brings my way. 

It sounds sad to let some friends go, but when you see the fruit prospering in a healthy relationship, it is a beautiful thing. 

Lessons from the garden: get by with a little help from your friends

Back in the spring I worked and worked.  I dug up soil, I planted, I mulched.  I took little moments when my toddler was happy and got as much in the ground as I could.  But the day came when it was too late in the season to plant my seeds and I still had big empty spaces in the garden. 

I faced my limits and I accepted them.  There is only so much time I can give. 

And then my neighbor texts- do you want some watermelon plants? 

They had some volunteer plants from last year and I filled in my last spaces with these gifts.

We do what we can and when we can't, many times God sends someone to fill in the gaps.  He made us to not be able to do it all on our own.  He made us to need others. 

Sometimes I'm the giver and sometimes I'm the receiver.  I have to be open to both.

And the old adage is true "good fences make good neighbors".  We have to know how much we can give and how much we can't give.  We have to know when its time to ask and receive help. We have to be honest with others and ourselves. 

Because this garden isn't just for us anyway.  When zucchini is coming out of our ears and tomatoes are falling from the vine, we see that's its all a gift its all grace.

We are all on the receiving end all the time.